Tag Archive: Acceptance

Social Anxiety; Loneliness, Isolation and Depression

Do you feel lonely, isolated and depressed? Maybe you have social anxiety.

Social Anxiety

Social anxiety is very common with gay men. Most people who suffer from social anxiety don’t even recognize that they have a problem. According to Wikipedia social anxiety is:

An emotion characterized by a discomfort or a fear when a person is in a social interaction that involves a concern of being judged or evaluated by others. It is typically characterised by an intense fear of what others are thinking about them (specifically fear of embarrassment or humiliation, criticism, or rejection), which results in the individual feeling insecure and not good enough for other people, and/or the assumption that peers will automatically reject them.

Social anxiety begins at a very young age, when boys become aware of being different from other boys. Gay boys will fear of being rejected and become hyper vigilant around others.

The fear of being in social situations results in the person avoiding social situations. Social anxiety is not avoidance of people, it is avoidance of people in social settings. Interestingly, the same person who avoids social situations is still able to run large meetings at work, manage many employees, and teach 30 or 300 persons at a time with little or no anxiety. In all of these situations there is a structure and the role is clear, and maybe even having some authority provides comfort. In social situations the rules and expectations of how one is to behave is vague, the structure is flexible. What a person talks about and how it is said is not spelled out. This is where fear creeps in, that is, the fear of saying or doing the wrong thing, the fear of being judged, of looking foolish etc.

The most common reaction to anxiety in social situations is to withdraw as much as possible. Bathhouses are a good place for guys with social anxiety because there is sex and connections that can happen without the pressures of conversations in a group of people. It is not surprising that bathhouses thrive, because they provide an outlet for guys. Not everyone in a bathhouse has social anxiety but it is a safer place to meet guys and hook-up without the fear of social conversations.

It’s normal for people with social anxiety to gradually reduce their social commitments and spend more time alone or with one or two friends. This alone time often leads to depression. Most people with depression look for treatment when the cause is likely due to loneliness.

To avoid loneliness, it’s typical for gay guys in their mid-30s or 40s will get a dog or a cat. A dog can work well for the guy to get out and walk his dog without too much social interaction. If he is in a social situation or a date he will have the excuse that he has to get back to let his dog out. The dog becomes a good reason to only have short social interactions. But also the relationship with the dog provides some comfort and feeling of being needed and belonging.

There is nothing wrong with a dog replacing socializing in groups. Having a dog works well as a way of coping with the loneliness and isolation. In fact it works so well that many guys do not even try to socialize and live a life of avoiding connecting, and socializing. Not everyone who has a dog (or cat) has social anxiety but it could be something to examine if the pet helps one to avoid or limit the amount of time in social gatherings.

According to WebMD, social anxiety is relatively easy to overcome by counselling:

The counsellor will “guide the person’s thoughts in a more rational direction and help the person stop avoiding situations that once caused anxiety. It teaches people to react differently to the situations that trigger their anxiety symptoms. Therapy may include systematic desensitization or real life exposure to the feared situation. With systematic desensitization, the person imagines the frightening situation and works through his or her fears in a safe and relaxed environment, such as the therapist’s office. Real life exposure gradually exposes the person to the situation but with the support of the therapist”.

People do not talk about social anxiety and therefore goes undiagnosed and untreated. The result is people who are lonely, isolated and depressed without understanding why. Take a moment to look at yourself and how much social fears and anxieties limit the amount of time is spent in social situations.

– See more at: http://www.thehomoculture.com/2015/08/29/social-anxiety/#comments

Parents and Gay Sons

Coming out: how parents talk to their child about being gay

Coming out: how parents talk to their child about being gay

Talking to your child about being gay and coming out is a challenge for every parent. It’s the parent that wants to be respectful and wait for their child to come to them, to talk about their sexuality. The question of a child’s sexuality can be difficult to talk about. Rejection is the biggest fear your kid will have, while the parent will be concerned about respecting their child’s privacy. Parents also worry about mis-interpreting things, getting it wrong, not knowing how to approach the situation, or by offending their child by bringing up the question when in fact their child may not know or have discovered his or her own sexuality.

Children wrestle with their sexual identity. When they figure out for themselves that they are gay it takes a while to become comfortable with the their own awareness. Once they’ve established that comfort of sexual orientation and identity, it then becomes easier to learn more and talk to others about it. It’s important for parents to know that a child is less likely to discuss his or her sexuality if there is any fear of rejection.

Parents need to create a safe and accepting environment. This can happen with gay issues are in the new, on TV, or in a movie. Parents can show acceptance of people who are different and discuss positively how being gay or bisexual is not an issue for the parent with friends, co-workers, or even other family members.

Talking about issues about how gay rights have evolved over the years, including marriage and adoption, are great ways to show acceptance, tolerance and understanding. Avoid using gay jokes and negative humour; gay men remember these jokes and comments for years and recall these negative expressions and concerns about how their parents would respond when they tell them they are gay.

In the book, All Out: A Father and Son Confront the Hard Truths That Made Them Better Men, written by leading Canadian broadcaster and anchor of Good Morning America, Kevin Newman and his son Alex Newman, address the challenges when Alex tells his family he is gay. In the book, Alex tells how he calls the family together to make an announcement. He was so anxious that he could hardly speak and could not tell his family he was gay. After a minute or two of seeing his son struggle to talk with his family, Kevin Newman asked Alex if he is gay. Kevin Newman writes about how difficult it was to ask Alex if he was gay and feeling that if he was wrong he will have damaged his relationship with his son.

This book is very helpful to understand the feelings Alex had, as well as providing insight into how his father experienced his feelings about his son being gay.

If the parent is not accepting of their child then it is important to talk with your about your struggle.   Learning more about gay culture is incredibly helpful and talking to other parents who have gay children is often very helpful.

Acceptance of a gay child can be a challenge for some parents. Most parents end up accepting and continuing to love their gay sons. Sometime this can take years. For everyone’s benefit the sooner the parent can find peace with his or her gay child the better everyone will be.

– See more at: http://www.thehomoculture.com/author/billcoleman/#sthash.izn6gr3H.gWdkW4Vv.dpuf

Development of Gay Identity; Growing up Gay

The challenges gay men face, from young boys to gay men

The challenges gay men face, from young boys to gay men, and how it impacts their life

Everyone has different childhood experiences and upbringings. It’s what makes each person unique and different, and helps to sculpt their morals, ethics, beliefs, personalities, and more. However, many gay men often learn that their childhood has commonalities with other gay men. Understanding the challenges gay men face, from young boys through to gay men, can impact the rest of their lives.

It’s around the age of 5-10 years old that boys discover they are not like other boys. They do not understand how they are different, but they do know things are not the same. The reaction to this awareness is to try to fit it with the other boys, trying hard not to be the centre of attention. They will try hard to let people look at them too closely and discover their differences.

The emotional reaction includes fear, isolation, and confusion. Self-esteem starts to take its first big hit. They begin to self-monitor, checking if their behaviour is similar to other boys. This hyper self-monitoring leads to a loss of being able to feel comfortable and spontaneous. It’s a dangerous path, where the child spends more time focusing on what others expect them to act like rather than exploring who they really are.

When a boy realises that he is different, and that he prefers boys over girls, it can be extremely traumatic. Fears and questions begin to arise. Boys will ask themselves if other boys will find out, will they be bullied, how will his family react, will these feelings go away, and what will happen to him as he gets older.

This realization will also cause strong emotional reactions. These emotions and doubts often last into his adult life. Fitting in becomes the name of the game, requiring him to hide who he is and how he feels. Everything from appearance to gestures become very sensitive. This is when the boy will not be himself anymore. They doubt that their family and friends would accept them for who he really is, and he can become overwhelmed with feelings of isolation and loneliness. It’s about this same time that he will teach himself not to trust loving and caring relationships.

As the boy becomes a teenager, he will begin to have crushes on other guys but he is trapped because he cannot do anything about his feelings, other than to hide them. It’s extremely frustrating and lonely. There isn’t the opportunity to fall in love, go out on a date, or experience a relationship, unless it’s with a girl and under false pretences, which adds even more confusion. There are many hurt feelings seeing friends fall in love and not being able to have those same experiences. It’s a sensitive time when he will wonder if he will ever find love and acceptance.

Growing up in this environment isn’t fun; however, in spite of all these problems with self-esteem and lack of a strong sense of self-knowledge, gay youth train themselves to be alone and how to conform with the rest of the world, pleases others.

It’s not until he is in his 20’s or even 30’s that the gay man is able to explore dating and falling in love. This comes with consequence because he never experienced these feelings growing up, so it’s all new and often overwhelming. Relationships are overwhelmed with emotions. This is normal for teenangers, but because he never experienced that, he’s now battling these feelings much later in life, making him feel like a silly teenager all over again.

Gay men do survive their very difficult and trying childhoods. It’s now easy to see why early life experiences can lead to problems later in adult life. Anxiety and depression are common amongst gay men. Anxiety is an extension of the hyper monitoring, with large amounts of self-criticism. Relationships will almost always be difficult because of the lack of practice and not allowing others to get too close to him. Sexual experiences are also hampered because he wasn’t able to experiment with his sexuality and desires when he was at his sexual peak, making sex a quicker and easier way to connect with guys, rather than the long process of dating and building an emotional relationship.

– See more at: http://www.thehomoculture.com/author/billcoleman/#sthash.izn6gr3H.fdaDSKhW.dpuf